I'll update this frequently...

So I broke a promise to my readers I guess.  I have not updated this blog nearly as much as I'd like and for that I'd like to say I'm sorry.

Things are going very well in the weight loss department.  I'm down about 60 lbs but better yet I am under the 300 lbs mark for the first time in nearly 10 years.  I am off all of my prescribed medications and am no longer taking Prilosec.  Sorry Larry the Cable Guy...

It is amazing how good I feel.  I still have some emotional days where I fall back into the pity party for MHB mode.  It's so 'normal' for me that I don't know I'm doing it until someone calls me on it or I wonder why no one is talking to me.

One of the biggest struggles I'm having is with the supplements.  I think I've finally gotten the protein thing under control but the chewable vitamins are not tasting all that great.  My surgeon doesn't want me taking the capsules yet.  I could develop ulcers quickly and that's bad.  I'm just going to have to sack up on that.

I've started exercising at the YMCA and am loving it.  I still struggle with motivating myself to do that but seeing the weight drop off every day on the scale is great motivation.

The one thing that still pisses me off is the inability to drink lots of liquid quickly.  I'm so used to chugging a glass of water when it is ice cold.  Now I have to sip the water and the stuff gets warm.  It sucks ass.  I'm doing better at getting all of my liquids but the next advance in bariatric science needs to include an easier way to get liquids in more efficiently.

This isn't a plea from a lazy fat ass.  This is a plea from a guy who loves to drink ice cold water and knows how important it is to get all of his liquid in each day.  More so now than ever before.

I hope I don't go nearly a month between posts anymore gentle reader.

Back to Work

I haven't updated in awhile since it was a busy weekend and I started back to work on Monday.  I'm down to 314 lbs which is an astonishing 44 lbs lost so far.  I'll do a double update this Sunday with my other stats.

Going back to work has been great.  My boss (he's going to think I'm sucking up now...) has been great but is stuck in NYC in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy so I haven't seen him in person yet.  Loads of folks came up on Monday morning to welcome me back and ask the usual questions about the surgery.  It is a different but pleasant experience to be the center of attention.

I'm actually starting to do more around the house now.  I feel good, I have loads of energy and miss picking up Ella.  Those are a few of the 642 reasons why I had this surgery.

I only have 2 pair of pants that fit comfortably now.  This is not a new thing for me, but the twist is all of the others are like tents on me.  I plan on bringing a pair into work and hanging it on my wall.  All of my shirts fit.  That's never happened.  Ever.

I found some 2X shirts in the bottom drawer of my dresser so I'll have some when the 3X get to big.  Those sort of things motivate me more than anything.  I used to spend time deciding whether or not to wear what I wore yesterday or the day before.  Now I have to ask my wife if what I'm wearing matches.

I slacked off on my exercise last week and felt guilty about that.  I can tell the difference when I don't exercise as much because my weight loss isn't as great as it is when I do.  However being back to work is helping with that.  I joined the YMCA while I was off so I can go on my lunch hour to work out.  Plus our warehouse is huge so if the weather is bad I can do a lap or 2 around that while 1st or 2nd shift are on break.  When the weather is nice I'll walk at lunch.

I noticed today that I'm not as hesitant to try to remote into a user's machine or call them to work out a problem even if they are in the warehouse.  I just get up and go do it.  Then I walk the long way back to my desk.  I even park as far away from the employee entrance as I feel like when I come to work in the morning.

There have been some down times recently.  I found that large gatherings where food is concerned is an issue if I don't have something to do.  Even if that something to do has to do with cooking.  That's something I'm going to have to work on.

I went to a going away party for a guy I worked with at my last job last night and was worried about that but I had a blast.  I got to see one of my Brothers and lots of folks I used to work with at my last job.  I'm glad I got invited and I'm glad I went.

All in all things are going well.  I don't miss too much but what I do miss I try to remember what its like when I eat it and how I feel afterwards.  This is the easy part.  Almost 0 effort still guarantees that I'll lose weight.  After a year though I'll have to have a new routine in place so I won't go back to the old me.  So far I'm loving the new me.  I hope my wife and kids do.  I'm doing this for them too.

Back to life...

So I'm going back to work on Monday.  It figures that I end up with a cold the 2 nicest days left of 2012 where I'm not working but such is life.

I thought I'd enjoy my time off but the only time I enjoyed off was with my wife and the times that family came to see me.  Otherwise I've been stir crazy.  I finally got my car back today for good after almost a week of being in the body shop getting hail damage repaired.

Folks at work, especially my awesome boss, have been very supportive.  They've left me alone (I still think places will fall apart without me) but sent me emails encouraging me and checking up on me.  I don't think I'll get much done (not that I do anyway...) on Monday after catching up with folks but I'm definitely looking forward to it.

I just got the bill from the hospital in regards to what they are submitting to insurance.  That's worrying me a little but not too much.  It is what it is.

Overall I feel the same but totally different.  Take a sec...that one's deep.

I feel 'normal'.  Food is a chore now not an all obsessing entity.  I haven't been at this weight I am today in 10 years.  It's such a small part of the total weight I need to lose but it's significant and it's life changing in that I know it's possible. 

Random Thoughts

A couple of observations I have based on my limited experience of this post-op bariatric life.

1.  Don't do any chew-able supplements if you can avoid it.  Or at least try the samples they give you before trying them.  Chew-ables are fine if you have to take them every so often but you have to take at least 8 different supplements a day and if even half of those are nasty tasting chalky chew-ables you're just not going to make it.  They make capsules for bariatric patients and I seem to be doing fine with those.

2.  Weigh yourself everyday and be prepared to say holy shit one day and WTF the next day.  I'm down 40 lbs in 20 days.  That averages to 2 lbs a day.  There have been days when I know I lost 5-10 lbs and there have been some recent days where I haven't lost anything or gone up slightly.

2a. Weigh yourself at the same time of day with the same clothes (or in your birthday suit like I do)

3.  Have a support system.  My family and friends have been more than awesome but I found that during our pre-op classes some folks just weren't supported and I could tell they were overwhelmed.

4.  Don't buy new clothes right away.  It's amazing and awesome how many people have offered me their old clothes.

5.  Hold onto the biggest pair of pants and shirt you own but get rid of the rest.  You need no excuse to get fatter again by hanging onto clothes that are too big to wear.

6.  Don't compare yourself to others who are going through the same procedure or are doing it the 'normal' way.  In other words eating less and exercising.  Don't think you're doing it the easy way and don't let them make you think that.

7.  Try not to get bored.  I'm 20 days into this lifelong change and I have more energy than I've ever had before.  I'm told it will only get better and I'm excited about that.  You don't have to start planning to climb Everest or run with the bulls in Pamplona but you do need a plan to replace your bored eating with something.  Since I'm under the weather with some kind of sinus shit I've been reading.  Just getting out of the house will make you feel better.

8.  Look at your bank account.  All your familiar food haunts are gone aren't they?  I haven't spent a dime on unnecessary food in 3 weeks.  I used to spend an average of $15 a day on food prior to my surgery.  That's $315 I've saved in 3 weeks.  That's a payment on our vacation club time share, car payment, etc.

9.  Recognize the small things.  For instance last night I went to my boy's band concert and have always resigned myself to sitting uncomfortably in the chairs.  When I sat down last night I just slid right in.  I didn't have to shift around the whole night.  At the same time I noticed that my 4x shorts I was wearing don't fit at all anymore.

Measurements

Weight

Starting Weight: 358

Surgery Weight: 350

Today's Weight: 321

Total Lost: 37 lbs.

Inches
RT Arm Start: 18"
RT Arm Today: 15.25"

LT Arm Start: 18.5"

LT Arm Today: 15.25"

Chest Start: 55"
Chest Today: 50"
(I'm losing my moobs!!!!)

Waist Start: 66"
Waist Today: 60"

Total Inches Lost: 16.5

Challenges

Since I've had this surgery I've had to deal emotionally with some things that I never thought I would.  This surgery really is the banhammer for all negative habits regarding food.  At least for now.  I did great the week my wonderful wife was home with me and when she or someone else is with me.  I'm still losing weight like a New Orleans dike loses water.

What I'm observing is that I'm briefly flashing back to the times when I was by myself, either bored, sad, pissed, etc.  I would just go grab something to eat.  If I was sitting in front of the TV, I'd grab something to eat.  I relate TV and food very easily.

The great news is I haven't even attempted to cheat.  The tough news for me is I still think about food.  I don't necessarily crave it but I've found myself thinking and counting the days till I eat solid food.  I think that's natural.  Eating a small variety of food is boring and seems more like a chore.  But that's a good thing.  Things will get significantly tougher if I have to sit around by myself thinking about food.

Going back to work will help.  Losing a shit ton (lolz again) of weight will help.  But I am going to need other help.  My wife and I want to attend some support groups.  It's required for me.  Unfortunately there aren't any established groups for spouses.  I'm not looking forward to the support groups because of my experiences with AA.  If all I hear the whole time is a bunch of fat ass women boo-hooing because they can't eat Cherry Garcia anymore, I'm out.  I need support not a shoulder to cry on.

I also have a counselor lined up in case I find myself struggling.

The vitamins are hard.  I thought they would be a bit easier but they're like eating flavored chalk.  I just remind myself that it just takes a minute and I'm done for a few hours.  At last count I take 11 different vitamins / pills.

In writing this I found out that I've been breaking open my B complex capsule for no reason.  Thank the sweet lord.  That shit was disgusting!

I'm also struggling with protein intake. I have some stuff on the way that my dietitian recommended so I'm excited about that.

I found one last interesting thing that has been a side effect of this surgery.  Some stuff just doesn't smell good at all.  We have a Church's chicken by our house.  Prior to surgery I would drive by and it would smell like heaven.  I hate Church's actually but it always smelled like heaven.  Now I just smell boiling oil and sometimes it makes me gag.  It was like that at McDonald's today with Kelly.  She needed some lunch so I went in with her and sat at a table while she ordered.  She came to the table and my golden idol, the McDonald's French Fry smelled like ass to me.  It didn't look that good either.  The cheese burger looked decent but the smell was killing me.

I think she felt bad for eating in front of me but I just kept dorking on my phone which is like my 3rd hand anyway while she ate.  I felt rude but I didn't want to sit there and drool either.  Surprisingly though I did OK.

Measurements

So part of this process is to track my progress as motivation.  In my last post it was obvious that I'm making progress.

So here we go:

Weight

Starting Weight: 358

Surgery Weight: 350

Today's Weight: 331

Total Lost: 27 lbs.

Inches
RT Arm Start: 18"
RT Arm Today: 16"

LT Arm Start: 18.5"

LT Arm Today: 16.25"

Chest Start: 55"
Chest Today: 53"

Waist Start: 66"
Waist Today: 63.5"

Total Inches Lost: 8.75

Are you serious Clark?

So I got on the scale this morning because someone wanted to know how much I had lost since my surgery that was a week ago today.  My home scale has been within .25lbs of the scales at the surgeon's office so I trust it.

I was expecting a pound or 2 maybe 5 but I wasn't expecting 23!  Holy Shit batman!

So here's the breakdown.

- In May of this year I went to my first managed weight loss class I was 358lbs.

- When I checked into the hospital for surgery last Friday I was 352lbs.

- When I went to my follow up on Tuesday of this week I was 350lbs.

- When I stepped on the scale this morning I was 335lbs!

Now there are some factors that skew these numbers but even with the clothes I wore on each day maybe being 3-5lbs (I was nekid this morning) We're still looking at over 20lbs.

It's hard for me to believe that given I was 350 on Tuesday.  But I've been following the diet to a T, walking after every meal and staying positive.  I've been told by the dietitians and exorcise physiologist that walking only 10 minutes after every meal will improve my chances of weight loss by 15%.

I know and have been reminded that it won't always be this easy and my numbers could be way the eff off but the fact that there was such a change in the scale I'm rolling with it.  This is the motivation I needed and this is why this surgery works.

I couldn't even be negative after getting off the scale this morning.  I don't notice a lot of change in things except my clothes are fitting 'normal' now.  I can't wait until they're too big.  I'm going to hang a pair of pants and a shirt that are the largest I've ever worn somewhere to remind me.

I told my surgeon I wanted 2 things out of this surgery besides losing tons (lolz) of weight and being healthy:
- to see my junk again without aid of a mirror
- to be a size 36 waist again.

It's been a long time for both.

Damn it's good to be a gangsta...

Getting into the swing of things

I never thought that 2oz of food would seem too much to get down.  Seriously newborns eat more than that. It's fascinating to me.  I do get hungry but I get satisfied quickly.

Some quick observations:

1.  I'm not as sore and weak as I thought I'd be.  I feel like I could do everything I did prior to surgery.  My surgeon reminded me though the scars look small what happened inside is huge and will take time to heal.  I'm heading her advice.

2.  I've never appreciated broth, jello, vanilla yogurt or pudding nearly as much as I do now.  Food is now a necessity.  I feel myself striving to find something else to do when bored, frustrated, mad, sad, pissed.  I'm no where near the point where I can say I'm cured but the surgery gives me a good reason to just eat when I need to now.

3.  I miss chugging down a drink.  Whether it's water, sweet tea, a Diet Coke or any other tasty beverage, I loved to drink all I wanted when I wanted.  Drinking has become a chore.  I have to drink 64oz of liquid a day but that's hard when you can only drink 1-2oz every 15 minutes.

4.  Vitamins are nasty.  I've gotten used to most of them but they are like a meal in themselves.  The chewables aren't nearly as bad as I thought though so I'm getting them down when I'm supposed to.  It's interesting that I think I'll like food less when associating these vitamins to meal time.

5.  Pain medicine tastes worse than the pain is.  I rarely take any during the day now.  I still have more than half the bottle left they sent home with me.

I had my first follow up appointment yesterday and things look good.  I may be starting to ease off of my blood pressure pills.  That's more exciting than you can imagine.  I am now off of clear liquids and am onto full liquids.  This means a little more variety in what I can eat but still not much.  I'm loving the vanilla Greek yogurt though.  In 6 weeks I'll go back and they told me not to be surprised if I'm 40-50lbs lighter by then.  I about shit myself when they said that.  I was told before but now I can see it's a reality.

I've been walking 10-15 minutes after every meal.  It's amazing how much better I feel when I walk.  I'm looking forward to strength training too.  I'm going to join the YMCA so I can go on my lunch hour at work. No heavy lifting but free weights to start.

My stomach and arms look like I was in a fight.  I'm bruised, I still have adhesive from the surgical tape all over me but I feel pretty good.

TTFN

The other side

So I survived!  In fact my surgeon said I was her star patient and I got an A+.  I like getting A+'s.

How it went down:

I reported to the Community North surgery center on Friday morning at ~6AM.  I got checked in and they wisked me away to pre-op. Everyone kept saying I was easy...no allergies, no real fear, followed all the pre-op directions to a T.  At first I thought they meant I had loose morals...

I got in an amazing looking hospital gown and brown hospital socks.  I had to ask if I needed to remove my underwear.  I did.  Funny enough I didn't have my ass hanging out.  My junk hasn't been seen by so many people since I was born though.  You get over that very easily though.  The drugs help with any shyness you may have.

Shortly after getting prepped my gorgeous wife and my mother got to come back with me.  I had to pee several times due to the amount of fluids they were pumping into me.  Then came in an OR nurse in her cap and gown and I knew the shit was going down.

They sent my wife and mother out into the waiting area and wheeled me into the OR.  The irony is that when I got into the OR for bariatric surgery they had to put arms on the table because of my size.  I thought this was funny after the fact.  The anesthesiologist gave me something prior to the anesthesia and that's all she wrote folks.  I don't remember much after that.

I remember waking up in recovery briefly hearing a little child screaming.  I know I was moaning but they must have pumped me full of drugs again because I don't remember anything after that until my wife started talking to me telling me I had to get up and moving.

At first I was disoriented and in a lot of pain just in my back.  I think it was from laying down so long.  I finally got the idiot nurse (the only person that really rubbed me the wrong way) to get me some pain meds.  After that I was relaxed.  I got up and went to the bathroom in a jug with the help of my wife.  I walked a lap around the nurses station and went back to bed.

My boss came by shortly after that.  That made my day.  It means a lot to me that he is supportive of me.  I got a lot of other well wishes from folks at work and from folks at my wife's work also.  It's overwhelming how much support I have in this adventure.

I did more walking and saw some of the other bariatric patients walking too.  We supported each other as much as we could.   

Friday night went slow.  I got some decent sleep due to the drugs but they still have to check you vitals every 4 hours.

Saturday morning I got up and walked again and on returning to my room we were delivered breakfast.  1oz of lemon jello and 1oz of chicken broth.  Looking at that I thought to myself you've got to be shitting me.  The irony is that I couldn't finish more than half an ounce each.

Things went by pretty quick after that.  My surgeon came in and gave me orders to go home that day.  I was very excited.  She was proud of me and so was everyone else.

Now I'm settling into a routine of no more than 2 oz of jello or broth per meal along with at least one vitamin or supplement but usually more.  I cannot drink with meals which sucks.  Getting enough liquids in is amazingly difficult.  My wife is the liquid nazi now and I appreciate it.

Chicks Dig It...

So I had to buy one of these.  Well, I didn't have to, but it's going to make my life easier.  I know you're all jealous.

Liquid Diet FTW!

So today really gets me a taste of my future.  This is the day before my surgery but if you saw the counter to the right you already know that.

This is not all roses and rainbows folks.  I think in some earlier posts it may have seemed like I'm just having a good time getting ready for this surgery.

Well, that ain't the truth.  In the short time since I found out when my surgery date would be we've had a lot happen.  I've also had to get a lot of things done to prepare for tomorrow.

The biggest has been the god damned FMLA and Short Term Disability paper work.  Talk about a mass of confusion that you're handed by HR.  I hope I have it filled out right.  Something tells me I don't and it's going to be a fight.

Most other stuff is like getting ready to go on vacation.  I have to pack for the hospital.  I have to tie up some loose ends at work.

I'm excited and nervous.  I think I'd feel better if I hadn't forgotten to take my blood pressure meds in 2 days.  Oh well, hopefully soon enough I won't have to take them every again.

I started off the day with some cereal and a banana.  For lunch I'm having Jello and some cream of chicken soup.

Tonight I can have broth or popcicles but not much else and nothing after midnight.

The one thing I never expected was the outpouring of good wishes from my wife's co-workers.  It has been heart warming to say the least.  I appreciate everyone one of the notes I've gotten.

I'll see you on the other side...

T Minus 3 Days and Counting

You'll notice a nice little widget to the right of this post that shows the time left until my surgery.  I'm getting nervous / excited.  Thanks to my gorgeous wife and family I have my ducks in a row.  Now it's just a waiting game.

Rest assured that though the past week or so has been quiet I hope to post quite a bit after my surgery in regards to recovery and the real challenge, following the program.

I will be tweeting from @gitrdone564 with a hash tag of #thinnermhb also if you'd like to keep in touch.

The Twitters be working...

I linked this blog to my twitter account for now.  I won't be able to tweet during the surgery as you can well imagine but I hope to tweet as much as possible as well as updating the blog.

Pre-Op Day

So Friday was my pre-op day.  Having never undergone any kind of surgical procedure I didn't know what to expect.  I was nervous but excited.

I was scheduled for 3 tests, blood work and a pre-op clinic visit.

The 3 tests I had were :
GB Ultrasound - this was a simple ultrasounds on mostly my left side.  I would later find out that they were really interested in the position of my liver.  That's a normal thing.  The ultrasound tech was fantastic but he beat me up pretty good.  My liver wasn't cooperating at all so I had to roll into all kinds of uncomfortable positions.  That took about 20-30 minutes tops.

Chest X-Ray - this was the simplest of all tests.  They did a chest x-ray from the front and side, again to see where my liver is in regards to my stomach.

Upper GI - This was the one that was of most concern to me but it ended up being relatively simple.  If you love thick and thin barium then you're in like Flynn.  Basically I took some pop-rocks like substance and swallowed that.  Then I swallowed a little water and they told me to try not to burp.

Great...that's like telling a bear not to shit in the woods...

Well that went OK and then I had to stand on a machine and drink some thick barium.  That tastes like baby shit looks in case you were wondering.  Then they put me on this machine that was like a table out of Frankenstein and had me roll around to coat my stomach.  This was more to see the shape of my stomach to help my surgeon determine the best route for the surgery.

Then I had to lay on my stomach and drink a couple of sips of the thin barium which tastes decidedly better than the thick kind but its all relative.  It still tastes like white dog shit would taste.

After that I went to the pre-op clinic for an EKG, blood pressure and about a thousand questions regarding my medical history.  Then the awesome nurse talked to me about pre-op, day of surgery and post-op.  She was detailed, I asked questions (yes guys you get a catheter but in my case it will be under anesthetic) and generally got a feel for what my experience will be like.

After that we had a 4 hour class with the Community North Bariatric team led in the morning by the nurse and after lunch by a dietitian.  A lot of this was repetitive but it was great for my wife.  She was admittedly overwhelmed with the information so I hope she will comment on it here.  The best question she asked that day was if there was any support for the spouses / significant others.  The short answer is not really and the long answer is sort of...

What was disturbing to me was how much people seemed to want to second guess the nurse and dietitian.  Again folks I'm no doc but those of us who are doing this surgery are all doing it as an elective procedure.  We should be taking copious notes and doing every thing they're saying.  In other words we should be model patients.  I have no doubt that some of these folks will cancel their surgery or just follow the plan half-heartedly.

The other thing that was disturbing was how many folks were not there with their support person.  I'm sure scheduling a whole day for this is hard for folks but it tells me that they do not realize the gravity of the change that is about to occur for the person they are supporting.

Want some proof?  When you get home, pull out a 1/4 cup measuring cup.  That's the maximum I'll be able to eat after this for about 6 months.  Maximum folks.  Many times I won't even feel like eating that much.  I will lose 50-75% of my 176lbs in those 6 months.  I will drop sizes so quickly that super models will be jealous.

tl;dr
3 tests - Chest x-ray, Upper GI scan, GB Ultrasound
Had a 4 hour class after that
I'll be eating a maximum of 1/4 cup of food per meal for about 6 months

I'm Mike and I'm an Addict

You:  "Hi Mike!  Keep coming back."

For those of you who haven't been to an AA or NA meeting that's basically what you hear most of the meeting.

DISCLAIMER:
I'm not a clinically diagnosed food addict but I am treating this whole process like I am one.

So after my post the other day about the popcorn popper, I've been hyper-sensitive to my actions and how they would compare with my actions as an alcoholic.  You can relate anything to another thing if you try hard but it seems like a higher being is trying to tell me something as of late.

I regularly walk out the door 'forgetting' my breakfast and lunch in the morning.  My beautiful wife always offers to make my lunch and we buy stuff for breakfasts all the time.  I can't say I really do this consciously but I know that it would be cheaper blah blah blah.

So the other day I scrambled out the door with no lunch.  I got breakfast (2 bacon egg and cheese biscuits, hash brown and large iced coffee no flavor) at McDonald's.  As I made it through the morning, I felt grumblings and looked up to see that it was 12:30PM already.

I kind of go to lunch whenever since I'm not sure when I'll have time so I got up, walked outside and said, "What the hell?"  There was a boom lift sitting right outside of our employee entrance.  Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but it happened to be right behind my car.  Again, no big deal.  I walked out towards the lift to see if the operator was there so he could move it for a minute while I left for lunch.  Some guy in a douchey leather fedora started blabbering about how it just up and quit on them.

As I turned to go back inside I got angrier and angrier.  Not mad.  Angry.  Like this shithead parked that thing behind me on purpose.  He tried a half-assed apology but I just walked back inside flailing my hands and saying, "WHATEVER!!!!" as loud as I could.  I'm sure I looked like an even bigger water head than I felt.

Then I remembered the popcorn popper from the night before.  I had a huge breakfast that morning and had water and snacks so I wasn't going to starve.  I finally reasoned with myself and calmed down.  Not one of my finer moments...

Fast forward to today...

I went to McDonald's for lunch today just to get out of the office for a while and I didn't have cash for the vending machine.  I placed my order, paid and went to the pickup window.  As they handed me the bag I saw Mr. Monopoly (AKA Rich Uncle Pennybags).  For me the McDonald's Monopoly game should have been the warning sign that I was a food addict the first time I played.

Under the precipice of actually winning something, I would eat McDonald's as much as I could whenever they'd roll this game out.  I never actually won anything but free food (SCORE!) which wasn't really free considering how much I spent on food trying to win.

I thought about the Monopoly game at McDonald's as I drove back to the office.  This will be the first time since I can remember that I won't participate.  McDonald's in the central Indiana area will suffer but I'm sure they'll be fine.

Some folks would sit here and spew a twisted yarn of blame towards McDonald's and all other food vendors that come up with gimmicks to get you to eat their food and give them money.  I just cannot do that.  I'm lucky enough to be an American.  I have the freedom to choose what to eat and where I purchase my food whether it be fast or otherwise.  No one is holding a gun to my head telling me to eat anywhere.

tl;dr
I'm a self-diagnosed food addict
I'm starting to think about my actions in regards to food more often

I saw the sign...

As a food addict like any other addict, I have my go-to food.  For me it's air-popped popcorn with unsalted butter and Parmesan cheese poured over the top.  I like to think that it's healthy because its air-popped and the butter is unsalted but let's get real.  It's about as unhealthy as you can get.

Ask my wife, I eat this at least 2-3 times a week.  I actually have eaten this almost daily as part of a weight loss attempt.  I lost weight mostly because I didn't have any pop with it but it didn't last.

So last night we put E to bed and I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner.  I was hoping she'd say popcorn and God love 'er she did.  I have a routine down and know how long it'll take to melt a stick (yeah an effin' stick) of butter - unsalted mind you in the microwave.  I get out a kitchen towel, get my glass of water because it's going to be a healthy dinner and fire up the popper.

Well this time the popper didn't start up.  It hummed and I started to smell something burning.  I looked at my wife and said, "That's a sign from God."  She and I laughed but we knew it was a sign of things to come. This story would have been great if I would have thrown out the popper, pop corn and melted butter but I knew I had filled it kind of full so I tried with less popcorn.

So the damn thing ran and I had my go-to meal yet again.  However I'm out of cheese and I can use the stick of butter for something else I guess.

It really is like saying goodbye to a friend.  Not a good friend but a friend none the less.  It's hard to explain to someone but it's like moving away.  I am on a journey and I think everyone (the 5 of you) that reads this understands that part of it.  However we don't realize the collateral damage.  I'll be throwing that pop corn popper away.  If you need about 2.5lbs of popcorn kernels, let me know.  I'll hook you up.  Otherwise they're going in the trash too.

Collateral Damage

If you read all the negative hype about this type of weight loss and the surgery itself you'll see all kinds of collateral damage.  Marriages, friendships, even one's own life.

The up side to this Journey is that most of the collateral damage will be things that are bad for me anyway.  Plopping down in front of the couch in my spot watching endless hours of shit on TV.  We've even thought of getting rid of cable and just doing a HTPC.  There are still some things I'd like to watch but I'll have to get out of that habit.

Kelly and I have already stopped buying pop for home.  Sure we still have one every so often but after my surgery I'm not going to be able to have it at all.  I can't give up food but I'll replace that addiction with an addiction to following the plan given to me by my docs.

My size 56" pants (or 4x for those of you playing the home game) and 3XLT shirts will have to go.  I'll keep a pair just to remind myself I'm sure but I won't miss it when I give all of that stuff to Goodwill.  My giant belts and even my extra wide shoes will get kicked to the curb.

It's funny though.  I still see all of that stuff as a loss.  Those clothes were carefully chosen to be comfy and loose fitting.  They are my adult security blanket.  I only have a few sets of clothes.  First of all because fat clothes are way over priced.  Sure the ACME tent company makes them and they take more material but the cheap ass shit they use for material wears out in about a year.  I can't just go to Wal-Mart or Kohl's to buy clothes.

I see it as a loss to not get to roll through McDonald's in the morning to grab 2 Bacon, Egg and Cheese biscuits, a hash brown and large iced coffee no flavor.  I see it as a loss not getting gas at Speedway and seeing how many donuts I have to buy before I get a free one.  I'll miss not getting 2 Monster Coffee Energy Drinks for 4 bucks.

What I won't miss is the money I spend daily on this habit.  Drug and Alcohol addicts spend way more but they don't get to justify it quite like a food addict.  I spend on average $16.00 a day on food.  That's ~$4000.00 a year on food.  Just for me.  And that's after we've spent money for groceries each week.  I love going out to eat but man it puts a strain on our bank account.

The things that you don't take into account when in an addictive relationship with anything is the affect it has on anyone / anything other than yourself.  I'm a good person who loves his wife, children and family.  It's time to start acting like it for a change.

Happy Birthday Ella!

Today is my daughter's birthday.  She has brought so much joy to our lives and I love her so much.  She changed what 9/11 means to me.  I will never forget what happened on 9/11/01 and I will never forget what happened on 9/11/09.

Happy Birthday little peanut!  Daddy loves you!

Irony - I has it

Being inherently negative as a fatty I have always felt like I am not really good at much of anything.  I know that's not really true but I am my own best punching bag.

Besides being a damn good Windows admin there is one thing that I took to right away.

BBQ

BBQ is something I would do full time right now if I could.  Everybody loves my meat.  I rub it.  I inject it.  They can't keep it out of their mouths.  My wife talks about my meat and my sauce all the time.

Some of you quicker folks are beginning to see my quandary.  I'm getting ready to have major surgery to give me that tool that I've been missing for years, control over my hunger.  In other words I'm ending the bottomless pit.  However I love to cook.  More to the point, I love to play with my meat and smoke it for hours on end until its juicy, tender and melts in your mouth.  I was born to BBQ.

Several years ago my family got me a smoker for Father's Day and the rest is history.  I now have 3 smokers (unfortunately the original died in a fiery death) 2 grills and a passion for smoked meat.  When I got the axe a couple of years ago from Douche-Take Software I was this close to going into culinary school.  Luckily my current employer called and kept me from years of debt and minimum wage jobs.

But the fire still burns inside of me.  So we come to my quandary.  I'm sitting at the desk in my room at the Ramada Inn in Perry, GA anxiously awaiting this.  I'm going to meet one of my BBQ heroes tonight with a dozen other people for a weekend of competition Q education.

The class was a gift from my gorgeous wife earlier this year.  I know what you're thinking.  

Best.Wife.Ever

You'd be right if you were thinking that.  But not because she got me enrolled in this class.  It's because she's been supportive of me from day one in this journey.  She's told me to sack up when I needed it and let me cry on her shoulder when I needed that.  I truly am a lucky man.

This blog isn't about BBQ though.  So you see the irony.  I'm getting ready to spend 2 days doing what I love to do.  With my addiction right by my side.  Some folks have asked me why I didn't cancel the class after I found out about my surgery.

There are a couple of reasons for that.  One, Myron doesn't give refunds.  That's the biggest reason honestly. I'm grateful for that because the other big reason is I really, really want to do BBQ the rest of my life.  I want to compete in BBQ competitions, I want to open a restaurant with my wife and serve BBQ until I can't walk anymore.  Since I don't have the cash laying around to open a restaurant or food truck right now I'll have to rely on competing to get my name out there.

So the answer to the question in the back of my mind and yours is I will still cook and Q after my surgery.  Not because I don't want to give up food or I'm not going to take the surgery seriously.  I'm going to continue to do it because it makes me happy to see folks have a foodgasm in their mouth when they eat my food.

The next few weeks are going to be crazy around here.  This weekend isn't my last foray into Q but hopefully the beginning of a new chapter for me and my family.

tl;dr

I love my wife.

I'm at the Jack's Old South Cooking school this weekend

I'm meeting Myron Mixon

I'm still going to do BBQ

I'm Official

I got a letter in the mail the other day from my surgeon's office confirming my pre-op test date and surgery date.  I already knew the dates but it was cool getting the official letter.

One or two facts that I know already:
1.  I have to scrub with Hibiclens the night before and the morning of my surgery.  I'm sure that will make me feel all sexy and stuff.
2.  I am scheduled for an EKG and blood work.  This is no real surprise.  The EKG will be fun.  They'll have to shave my chest pubes in a few places for that.  That's a small price to pay.

In my last post I mentioned that you shouldn't take what you read on the interwebs seriously.  However I find that going to some of these bariatric sites are like watching a train wreck.  I can't turn away.  Maybe that post was to remind me that I shouldn't believe everything I read on the Net.

I respect the fact that some people benefit from these sites.  I will admit that I have benefited from some of the posts and forum threads.  I respect the fact that not everyone on Earth is a drooling water head.  However some people act like drooling water heads when not met with any resistance as is more often the case on the Internet.

With that being said there are some things of value on those sites.  They have FAQs on terms thrown around in the bariatric world.  They have some common sense do's and don't's that always comes in handy if your brain turns to mush which likely will happen during a high stress event like surgery.

What you have to learn to do is filter out the ridiculous from the common sense advice.  That's really up to you.  If you want to psych yourself out, believe everything you read.  If you want to be prepared, do some research, write down some questions and take them to the pre-op class.

For instance, one of the forums has some questions that you should ask your surgeon.  One of those questions is will I have an open procedure (open body cavity and slightly more risk) or laproscopic (camera based surgery).  That's a great question.  I asked it and I know what I'll be having unless there are complications.

There are other great questions too.  Most of them are regarding complications.  I asked those too.

One question is what is your mortality rate?  At first I thought this was a good question.  Then the more I thought about it, what's it really going to prove?  If your surgeon has been killing off patients left and right, chances are they are not going to be with a good practice.  Sure there are exceptions but I doubt it.

Some folks think that going to a doctor or having a medical procedure should be like going to a mechanic.  There will be a set procedure and cost according to what you want done and we'll know the outcome each time.  I could go on a diatribe on why I think this sort of thinking is what hack lawyers dream of and push into the feeble minds of their victims...er clients but I won't.

I'm getting way to preachy.  But this is my soapbox dammit.  No one reads this anyway right?

tl;dr
If you want to believe something you'll find supporting evidence for it on the Internet.

Ask a Professional

I sat down to write a long post p'wning forums and bloggers regarding bariatric surgery.  Then I read over the examples from the former and the latter again before I hit 'Publish'.  I'm glad I did that.

I was feeling very righteous and I still do.  However I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

DO NOT RELY ON THE INFORMATION YOU FIND OR RECEIVE FROM THE INTERNET

Ever.

Puppies will get kicked if you do so.

The Internet is a vast wasteland devoid of much structure or regulation.  I'm glad for that and I hope it stays that way.

In that regard, going to 'medical' sites like WebMD (aka you're going to die dot commmmmm) and taking that as Gospel is just plain dumb.  The same goes for going to a forum or reading a blog about bariatric surgery and taking that as Gospel.  I've already talked about this.  I'm not an expert.  This is one man's experience.  I hope it provides some information for folks but I do not expect it to be a trusted resource.

There are way too many people who feel that because they have been through this surgery they are qualified to throw around medical advice or diagnose someone based on a forum post or comment to a blog.

Just their surgeon wore mismatched socks the day of their surgery and they lived doesn't mean that you should expect your surgeon to do the same.  Likewise if they had to have a test done that is not being required of you doesn't mean your surgeon / bariatric team are bumbling chimps.

If you feel like you're getting jerked around in your bariatric process it is your right to go seek another bariatric program.  Sure it's OK to get a second opinion.  Just not from someone called unckledickiedo on fatsobariatricforums.com.us.uk.org.me.

Got it?  Good.

tl;dr
The Internet cannot be trusted.

Save the Date

Community North Bariatric Rocks

Yesterday I got the call I've been waiting for just over a year to get.  The nice lady at CNB called me around 10AM Monday to schedule my pre-operation testing, final class and surgery!

I wish I could have recorded the call.  Not only is the staff at CNB on the ball, they are the most friendly of folks.  She told me she was calling to schedule and I was so excited I asked her, "What for?  Surgery?!!!?"

I think she probably hears complaining about it taking too long but after THIS experience the 3 or so weeks blew by.


I will put a disclaimer in from this point on because we're going to get all medical and stuff on here.

***I AM NOT A DOCTOR***
***I DO NOT PLAY A DOCTOR ON TV***
***I DID NOT SLEEP IN A HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT***

Got it?  Good.  If you bitch at me because you happen to read this blog and think that things are going to go exactly the same for you, you're in need of further help.

Where do I go from here?

For info about what's happened up to this point, feel free to browse the other posts on my blog.  You'll see the archive of posts to the right ------------------------------>

Here is what I know so far.  I will be doing pre-operative testing on 9/21.  I have no idea what these tests will be.  From my limited understanding it depends on the patient so what I could be tested for you may not be tested for.

On 10/5 I will be going under the knife for the first time in my life.  Again, I have no idea what to expect other than the type of surgery that will be performed (Roux-en-y).  I hate linking to WebMD because eventually everything you read on that site suddenly ends up with death as the final result.  However their description of the procedure is quite good.

I have a general idea of what will happen at the pre-op testing and class that follows that.  You'll have to come back to find out what happens to me though!

tl;dr

My surgery Date is scheduled for 10/5/2012
YMMV

F*** Yeah!

Good things come to those who wait...even when you're fat.

Last night my beautiful wife got home before me because I was at the local Spicecorps of Indianapolis meeting.  We have been paying close attention to the mail lately waiting for the letter from the insurance company on my surgery.  It has been agonizing frankly.

In the middle of the meeting I check my phone and she texted me that we got the letter from our insurance company.  I'm trying not to be excited because I'm the constant pessimist when it comes to things like this.  I'd blame this on being fat but it's my upbringing to blame.  Irish Catholics are notoriously pessimistic.  I digress...

Pretty soon my wife is all but begging to open the letter.  I told her to go ahead and this is what she sends back:

"Let's go out for steak cuz it's the last one you will eat for awhile!"

So the problem with texting is you never can tell exactly what someone means by a text.  So I respond with "lol".  A few seconds later she responds with "Approved!"  I think that was excitement and frustration for me being so nonchalant about it.  I really didn't know what she meant by the steak comment though!

I won't post what else we talked about...

Am I broken?

What really surprised me was how nonchalant I really was.  I was a bit pessimistic but I knew that CN would come through for me.  It hasn't quite sunk in that I'm going to have the biggest tool in my fight against fat in my arsenal hopefully by the end of the year.

Even to type that though gives me goosebumps.  I'm terrified of all the pre-op stuff for surgery but I've never been so ready for something in my life.

The big elephant in the room is the question on everyone's mind.

"Will this make you happy?"

and

"Will you stop beating yourself up?"

There is no clear answer to that honestly.

Here's what I do know from talking to the nurses, surgeons, dietitians, physical therapists and people who have gone through the surgery.  I'm going to immediately lose a ton (hahahahahahahaha) of weight.  That's going to be a huge ego boost for me to see results.  I'm going to start to get the energy back that I can honestly say I haven't had since I was a little kid.  I have the support of my family, especially my gorgeous wife.  I have the support of my friends.  I have the support of my coworkers who are going to have to take up my slack when I'm off.

In other words I have a lot at stake here and I refuse to waste it.  Am I going to be happier?  Absolutely.  Who in this world wouldn't be happy losing all that weight?  I'm sure that there are some weirdos out there that like being fat but not this guy.

My friends and family don't make me unhappy.  Being fat makes me unhappy.

Easy for me to say, I know.  I am married to the strongest woman I've ever known.  How she puts up my my old grumpy ass I'll never know but she has and I love her for it.  I'm surrounded by people who love me and its time for me to step up, sack up and get with the program.  It's time for me to stop bringing people down because I'm so unhappy with myself.

This is still just the beginning.  Part of me wants to run out and eat as much BBQ, steak, junk food and other goodies (mmmmm...Oreo and M&M blizzards....) as I can.  The rest of me says, "Grow up fatso.  This ain't a game."

TL;DR
- Insurance approved my surgery
- I'm happier than a bus full of fat women going to a Ricky Martin concert
- I'm going to have more energy and be happy with myself

From Alchoholic to Foodoholic...

I love food

It's funny how fat people always think about food.  I think about food days in advance if we're going somewhere I really like.  Like Oriental Inn.  I love that place.  Our whole family loves it.  I'm thinking about their hot and sour soup as I type this.  I will literally imagine the menu in my head the few days before we go there.

And Famous Dave's.  I have dreams about their ribs...

The point is I think about food constantly.  Food is what gets me through the day.  It's sad and stupid at the same time.  Food is my security blanket.  It worries me that I'm not going to have that security after my surgery.  I'll still be thinking about food all the time but I think in a completely different way.

The therapist that I went to see per this program suggested that I'll end up transferring this food addiction to keeping to my diet and following the plan that the docs, dietitians and physical therapists lay out for me.

I hope that's true.

Follow the yellow, piss stained wall

15 years ago I was sent to The Guest House in Rochester, MN by the Archdiocese of Indianapolis because I had a drinking problem.  Let's see...I was in an all male school in the middle of Southern Indiana.  I wasn't homosexual.  What the hell else did they expect us to do?  Guess what?  They wanted me to prepare for the priesthood.  I got drunk instead.

The school I was at tried to let me get help on my own by attending AA meetings in the surrounding area.  That would work until I started hanging out with my 'friends' again.  Then it was time to 'Hammer Down'.  These 'friends' liked to see me drink.  I would chug whole beers, whole bottles of liquor, you name it, I probably chugged it.  I was a clown basically.  It all came to a head in the late Winter of 1996-97.

I don't know what was bugging me that early February night in 1997.  Probably first world problems.  Whatever it was I need a drink.  For me, a drink wasn't just 1 or 2 beers.  It was pitchers of beer...by myself.  I would frequently black out.  I thought that was normal.  At least the people I told about it afterwards thought it was a funny story.

This night, as it would turn out, would be the same but different.  I ordered pitcher after pitcher.  Maybe I ordered for others, I don't know and no one ever told me.  It's probably a good thing I don't know.  Either way after that much beer your bladder has had enough.

I needed to piss like a racehorse so I went out towards the front door where the men's room was.  Instead of turning right, I went through the front door and turned left...and took the most fateful piss of my life.  Right in front of the Board of Overseers for the college.  They were on their way down for a night cap after a day of meetings.

Well they got dinner and a show that night.  I stumbled back into the bar.  I had to have someone help me fill out and sign the check for the bar tab.  I remember that clearly.  The next thing I knew I ended up in my room.  The next morning I woke up with blood all over my foot and sheets.  I had kicked a chair in my room and cut my big toe wide open.

One of the monks saw my toe and sent me to the on campus medical office to get cleaned up.  I was tongue made of carpet hungover by then.  I went back to my room and slept till about 3 in the afternoon.  After dinner one of the monks who was my mentor met with me and told me what happened.  I was in deep shit.  I just went back to my room and had a drink.  I didn't know what was going to happen.  I just hoped I wouldn't get expelled.  I had already taken a year off because my grades were horrible my freshman year.

So the next day the Vocation's Director for the Archdiocese of Indianapolis at the time showed up.  I was summoned to a meeting with all kinds of folks.  I was getting an intervention.  My mentor drove me up to Rochester the next day.  I owe my life to that man.  And to St. Meinrad College.  But that priest can kiss my ass.  The lack of compassion that oozed out of him sickens me even as I write this.  Sure I was a problem child for the Archdiocese.  I knew that I had effed shit up bad.  Instead of telling me that I was going to get help all he could say was, "When you're done up there we'll talk about your future with this Diocese."  Great compassion Fr. Dickface.

Off the see the wizard...

I ended up in Rochester the day after that since it took us 2 days to drive up there.  I felt like I was on my way to prison.  When it's all said and done though I cherish the time I had there.  I met some very good friends who are sadly dead now.  There aren't any young people up there.  I won't go back up there for reunions though.  It's 3 months of my life I'll never get back.  I don't want to be reminded of that anymore.

So, I tell myself periodically that I could have a real beer or a mixed drink and be fine.  But I can tell you that being fat is one hundred times better than being drunk for me.  I was a miserable asshole when I was drunk.   I enjoy a N/A beer every so often and I have no guilt about that at all.  But I know that having another drink will send me into a spiral that I would never escape.

So that happy little piece of my life tells me I'm prepared to switch addictions.  I switched from food and alcohol to just food.  Now I'm about to switch from food to healthy living.  I just hope I don't end up a bigger douche than I already feel.

Gettin' Anxious

So I think it will be 3 weeks this Wednesday since we submitted to insurance.  You know all the bullshit that they told me about it taking long.  I'm finally realizing that they were right.  I look at the mail each day hoping we'll get a note from the insurance company with any news.

No news is good news.  That's horseshit.  No news is nerve racking.  On the upside we're taking the peanut to the Indiana State Fair today.  We haven't gone since before we had Ella so this will be her first time.  It's beautiful outside and I can't wait.  This may be my last year to eat a steak sandwich, elephant ear and milkshakes from the Dairy Barn.  Funny thing is I'm not really worried about that.  I'm not exactly going to starve myself while I'm there though.

Just Kidding

So I'm still waiting on our insurance company to email us a letter on whether or not I am approved for the surgery.  From my understanding they will either approve it or request more information to be provided by me or someone at the surgeon's office.

So I'm like my kids at the end of school waiting for their grades.  Well that's not true.  They don't have to do that anymore.  They just look at them online.  But that's how I feel.  I want to be the first one to look in the mail box when we get home and rifle through the mail.

I'm not getting discouraged because its only been 2 weeks I think but yesterday I got a piece of mail from our insurance company.  My heart jumped in my throat for just a second.  Then my wife, always my voice of reason, said, "I think it's just junk mail."  So I said, "Probably..." but I tore open that letter just in case.

Just kidding...it was an add for insurance for dollars a day.  "Send it to the Democrats." I thought to myself.  They're paying...

I digress.

I felt a little disappointed that I hadn't heard anything but I'm keeping my spirits up.  I have a beautiful wife and 3 great kids that are very supportive of me and of this process.

What's Next

So I've covered this journey up to now.  I can tell some of you are hanging on the edge of your seat waiting for the next post.

The Waiting Game

Because you probably aren't familiar with the process to get approved for bariatric surgery I'll try to give you a little taste of what I've gone through at Community North.

After the initial seminar I waited to hear back from the wonderful insurance admin with CN.  I got a call about a week later saying she had talked with my insurance company and they required I have 3 months of supervised weight loss.

This is pretty common.  Short of no supervised weight loss requirement, 3 months is the lowest term required by insurance providers.  6 months is the norm and it can be as much as 12 months.  I felt pretty lucky but I'm not going to be surprised if they come back and say, "My bad.  We meant 6 months."  This isn't CN's insurance admins fault.  It's the insurance providers' fault.  The requirement should be in black and white but apparently it can be left up to interpretation.

So for the past 3 months I've been doing the following:

- 1 class a month with the dietitian and / or physical therapist.  These can be unsettling for us folks because we've run the gauntlet of weight loss programs.  We despise dietitians and bubbly health nuts talking to us about weight loss and how to eat right.  CN gets it though.  Their dietitans and physical therapists get it.  They don't beat us up.  They are strictly filling the requirement for the insurance provider.

At other places you're left to your own devices like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or something like that.  Then you have to provide proof to your surgeon and then the insurance provider.  Then you make a process that is already a crap shoot even harder by relying on yourself.  You never did that before with success why do it now?

Fat Guy Advice - Find a program that does the supervised weight loss as part of their program.

- I had to get blood work and other physical testing done.  Why?  Because they are looking for comorbidities.  There's an awesome word.  So insurance companies don't see obesity as a problem.  But if you can prove that by being obese you have sleep apnia, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc, they will be more likely to approve you for surgery.

- 1 session with a psychiatrist (or psychologist) I don't remember.
Coincidentally I met with the same guy both at STV and CN.  His job is to make sure I have the right mind frame to deal with the massive emotional change that comes along with this massive physical change.  When I met him at STV he referred me to a counselor that I was required to see at least 3 times.

Fat Guy Advice - Don't challenge these docs.  Do what they say.  Yeah you have to pay out of your pocket.  Yeah its yet another thing you have to do.  Just do it.  It's made my journey easier.

After meeting with the counselor 3 times he sent a letter to the shrink (I'm sure they love to be called that) recommending me to proceed.  Keep in mind this was at STV before I got jammed by the surgeon's office.
So after meeting with the shrink again at CN we just talked and he told me as before I'm ready to proceed.

- Meet with the surgeon.  So this feels like the end and they're going to tell you to get ready for surgery.  But it's not the end.  This is the beginning of Wait Fest 2012.  I met with my surgeon.  Dr. Jones.  She's great and I feel like I'm in good hands.  My primary care physician recommended her also.  She was there to answer questions I had which were none at this point.  So the next day they were supposed to submit to insurance.

The hardest part...

As Tom Petty sings, "The waiting is the hardest part..."

And he's right.  Right now I'm in limbo.  Dr. Jones says it will be 2-4 weeks before we hear anything from insurance.  Sometimes we get the letter first and sometimes they do.  I look in the mailbox every day...I feel like waiting on my acceptance into college.

So life goes on for now Corky.

That's why I'm doing this.  So life can go on for a long, long time...

Family

The toll that fat takes on me is huge.  I'm literally shaving years off of my life with each pound I gain.  What I, and I'd venture to say most fat people out there, don't get or just refuse to admit is how much stress it puts on each and every one of your family and to a point your friends.

We have lots of reasons why we seemingly don't think or care about our family and friends.

We Blame Them

This is by far the worst but I'd bet most common excuse of all.  Unless your family is some kind of psychotic group of people reenacting the gluttony scene from the movie Se7en they are not forcing food down your throat.  You may feel like they are doing everything but...but god dammit it's your body and it's your choice.

We are ashamed of ourselves

This is the real reason.  For me at least.  I am distant, moody, grumpy, whatever you want to call it.  Not because I'm miserable in my relationships with others but because most days I see myself at about the same level as a dung beetle.  I have my moments where I'm attentive, loving, caring, funny (without making myself look like a huge douche) but at the least bit of pressure I regress like a hurt animal.  If there was a rock big enough for my fat ass to get under, I'd be there.

I know...suck it up right?  Well it's not that easy when you've been on defense of yourself even to yourself for nearly 30 years.

There are loads of other reasons that I'll try to delve into later but these are the 2 big ones for me.

What now?

So this is great that I know why I feel like a total doucher most of the time.  It's great that I've admitted my faults but how does this help my family?

Honestly?  It doesn't help.  It won't help until I start making changes.  I can say with a straight face that I've finally admitted that I have a problem and that its my problem, not anyone else's  Now its just a matter of time before I start being proud of myself.  That and telling and more importantly showing my family how much I love them and appreciate them.

It's one thing to say / write all of this happy shit down.  It's another one entirely to take action.  That's what us fatsos lack.  The motivation to get up and do something about it.  Sure its physical.  We've wiped out our energy supply long ago.  That's why I've chosen to do bariatric surgery.  The quicker I lose weight the quicker I will get that energy back.  With energy comes motivation.

The Journey to Community

I feel like I'm writing a whole boat load of posts but I also want to catch people up.  It's cute how I think people will read this right?

In a previous post I talked about getting started off on this bariatric journey on the wrong foot.  I reference that post because if you just got here you need to read it first.  Or maybe I'm just looking for more page views.

Anywho...

After getting completely pissed off with STV I stewed for about 2 months.  I got whiny and bitchy.  I kept saying this is never going to get done.  I'm going to be fat the rest of my life...words words words (that's for you Johnner if you ever read this)

Then I decided to give another bariatric program a try.  I called 2 different places and the only one that called me back was Community North.

I bit.  I scheduled a day to do their seminar (see I told you there was a trend).  Afterwards I actually felt like a person and a patient.  The program did cost money.  But...and this is a big but (fat joke FTW):
The money covered most of the fees that insurance would not cover.  This is huge.  Sure it's money out of my pocket but it did two things for me:

1.  I had a stake in this now.  I paid them and I expect to get what I paid for from them.
2.  I felt like they had their shit together.

I paid it all up front and talked to the insurance administrator.  She's a super lady.  When I told her what happened at the other program she just said, "Oh I'm much better than that other lady."  I about fell out of my chair laughing.  I knew at least she was going to do her job.

There is another big plus at Community that folks should know.  They are all employed by Community.  They have a stake in all of this too.  Their jobs depend on taking care of fat asses like me.

I felt and still feel warm and fuzzy when I go there.

You're Just Lazy!

Just get up off your ass!

That's my favorite line.  I tell it to myself a lot too.  Here's the reality though.  I've gotten off my ass numerous times.  For months at a time and have seen some results but not enough to get me over that hump.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Here's an old gem but if I had the energy to fight with someone who said that to me this is what I'd say:

Assume you weigh a healthy 150lbs.  Well I weigh 352lbs as of my last weigh in.  Let's just round that down to 350.

Let's do the get off your ass test with you.  Strap 200lbs to your ass and don't just get up but go to work, take care of your children and do everything else you normally do throughout the day.  You're going to make it about 10 minutes if you're lucky.

Does this make me a better person because I can carry  that much weight around for 10-12 hours a day 7 days a week, 365 days a year?  No.  It makes me an idiot.  No person in their right mind would choose to do this.

And when I say go to work and take care of your children I'm feeling a little guilty.  I know because I'm fat I'm not anywhere near as good at either as I should be.  Fat people get sick more and they cannot keep up with children like they should.

Don't get me wrong.  This isn't a fat fan club.  I'm not here to defend me being fat or anyone else.  If I ever hear of anyone using that excuse seriously I will high five them in the face with a chair.

The Journey Begins (Began)

AKA The STV Fail

So I actually started this Bariatric Journey (I will NOT refer to this from here on out as the BJ) late last year with St. Vincent's Hospital in Carmel, IN.  I did some research and joined a forum to get some opinions but ultimately chose STV because of their reputation and in small part due to their location in proximity to my job.

Things went fairly well at first.  I was required to attend a 'seminar' on bariatric surgery.  This was rather informative.  The staff was a little too informal but I thought well maybe that's the norm.  After the seminar we were given the option to speak with the surgeon ($100 bucks or so and not covered by insurance) which I opted to do.  I spent about 10 minutes with the surgeon who was very personable but a little off.

After that I was shuffled along to someone to schedule the required 'shrink' visit.  Again another round of costs not covered by insurance.  This would become a common theme and I am still running into little things here and there that insurance doesn't cover.

My overall feeling I got was this:

- Insurance is going to be a pain in the ass

- Don't call us complaining about insurance being a pain in the ass...we'll call you (RED FLAG should have popped up right there)

- It was going to take about 6 months for this to get all worked out and maybe a year

- I was in good hands as far as the surgeon was concerned

- I know what cattle feel like when they're getting moved through their pins.

The whole process was very, very impersonal.  I never really felt like anyone gave 2 shits about me as a person.  I also had an underlying feeling that the staff and nurses felt like we were all a bunch of lazy asses who just got fat yesterday and wanted to get thin again.

Still I stuck it out.  I put my faith in the one person who would be key in all of this.  The surgeon's insurance coordinator.

I should point out right there that in fairness to STV, the surgeons and their staff are not employees of STV.  I still feel like the whole program needs loads of work.

Well it turns out that the surgeon that was chosen for me (we had a choice but I wanted to get started quick and this guy was the next up in the seminar rotation) has a waterhead for an insurance coordinator.

I will bore you with the gory details of what happens when dealing with insurance later on down the road.

So I waited, sometimes patiently, sometimes not for several weeks which turned out to be months and finally gave up trying to contact them since they never contacted me.  

"But Mike", you're saying to yourself, "they said it would take months."  I know.  But every time I contacted this ding dong (only effective way was with her Yahoo! account by the way) I got mixed answers and never a direct answer to my question.

Had I given up I would have assumed this the norm.  Thankfully I didn't.  I can't say that you should not go to STV.  I have been told by numerous people that their program is superb.  They cannot all be wrong.  This is just an example of one person giving bad customer service can make the difference and vice versa.

What I do suggest for anyone reading this blog who is interested in bariatric surgery is that you attend the seminar for at least 2 programs before you make your decision.  This is a life changing, life threatening surgery.  You should find a surgeon and team that you are comfortable with.

tl;dr

STV wasn't a good fit for me

"Is that a fat joke?"

I say that almost daily when someone mentions something to me about food.  I'm mostly joking when I say it.  But in all reality I'm trying to get a jump on them jamming on me for being fat.  It's an almost unconscious self-defense mechanism.  Tons (hahahahahahaha...pun FTW) of fat people do it.  We're natural comedians.  Nobody is as good at beating themselves up as a self conscious person.

Fat=self conscious.  

It's not exclusive to fat people but being fat is what I know.  I'm sure people with true disabilities (not self imposed like us fat asses) are the same way.

I don't know what I'll say when I actually lose weight but I'll probably still say it.  From what I understand about true weight loss (weight loss and maintaining a goal weight) is that people still see themselves as fat.  How can we not?  We've been fat for decades.  Now in just 18 months we're at a 'healthy' weight.  Our minds are blown.  We don't (I won't) know how to react to the fact that we can buy clothes in a  normal store like Wal-Mart (ok not a great example of normal) or Kohl's.

I'm really not trying to make you feel bad for me or any other fat person.  When I see people fatter than me I make fun of them.  Especially the ones on scooters with handicap placards who drive around the parking lot 800 times waiting for a space to free up.

There are exceptions I'm sure but you're not fat because of a physical issue.  I've seen people with no legs who are in the best shape of their lives.  I've seen people in wheelchairs who make me ashamed to be so fat. Being fat is like being a practicing alcoholic.  If you know me you'll know I'm speaking from experience here.  Excuses roll off a fat person's tongue easier than an East Washington Street hooker.  The problem is, though there is an Overeaters' Anonymous program. You can (and I have with the exception of a few NA beers) live without booze.

You cannot live without food.  

That's the biggest excuse I have ever heard / used.

I guess other than documenting my journey through this gauntlet of weight loss I want to shed some light on why I'm fat and why I think most other people who are fat are well...fat.

I am not an expert at anything other than losing weight.  You should not read this to be the gospel according to fat.  I hope its entertaining enough to keep you around and informative enough to save some other fatty's life.


tl;dr
I love making fun of myself
Don't cry for me Argentina
I hope you like this
I'm not a doctor.  I play one on the Interwebs.

Why are you fat?

OK no one ever really asks me that.  I have been asked why I let myself go and how long have you been 'big' but never why.

Well I could blame my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cats, Obama, that idiot over there, you but in reality its because of choices I've made throughout my life.  

Poor choices.  (Why do I always think of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when I say something about choices.  "He chose...poorly.")

It is and always will be easier to blame other people.  Then I can sit back scarf down a box of donuts and feel righteous that if other people would have done this or that for me I wouldn't be fat.

I'm fat because I eat a shit ton of food and I never exercise.  I know, I know.  You thought I was going to give some long explanation about being big boned, thyroid, any numerous bull shit excuses.  

The fact is I eat a lot and I like to move as little as possible.

That wasn't true when I was really young.  Like early grade school young.  I would play outside for days on end at my grandparents house up in Logansport.  I would ride bikes, play in my grandpa's shed, pretend I was some great explorer, you name it.  I did all of that great kid stuff.  But all the while I still ate like it was my last meal, every meal.

And I wasn't eating stuff that was good for me.  I could blame it on that one time my grandma made me sit at the table and finish some veggie or when my dad wouldn't let me get up until I finished the BLT he made for me.  The LT of that sandwich made me want to gag.  Maybe that triggered something in my mind that said if I'm getting punished with this stuff it must be horrible.  You know what.  I think there's some truth to that.

But that was some 20-30 years ago.  I'm a grown ass man.  I have more information available to me as does the rest of society than I've ever had.  I should be able to beat this.  The thing is, I've read all the info.  I can tell you exactly how I can lose weight.  I can tell you exactly how to lose weight.

Here's the thing though.  I've lost 30-60lbs several times in my life.  I did it in high school.  I did it right after college.  I did it again about 10 years ago.  So I know how to lose weight.  I am an expert in that field.  I tried all sorts of things.  Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, Weight Watchers Online, Atkins...all the big names.  The only one that worked for me was Atkins.  

So I know what gets me fat.  Carbs do.  Sugar and processed flour.  When I was eating meat, cheese, beans and nuts I was dropping pounds quicker than I ever had in my life.  I got more energy and actually started exercising even.  I love the FitLynxx stuff at the Y.  I could work out and get all geeky and go online and find out how much I lifted.

But then I would find excuses for not going back to the gym.  I would eat crap from fast food places again.  And then I started probably the most destructive thing I've ever done.  I'll get into that later.  Not sure I'm ready to talk about that yet.  But I need to.

Then I'd be 20-30 pounds fatter than I was before I started losing weight.

In the end though I never saw enough results to be satisfied.  I'd get below the elusive 300lbs mark and that would be great but I was still effin' fat.  I'd look at myself in the mirror and say, "Why bother."

Well I'll tell you why I should bother:

1.  I don't want to die.

2.  I have a beautiful family that doesn't want me to die.

3.  I do not want to buy another piece of clothing from Casual Male (aka the Fat Guy Store)

4.  I want to parts of my body that I haven't seen in 20 years except in a mirror.

5.  Did I mention I don't want to die

Well that was long enough.  I thought it would be hard to write about this but I think I like to hear (or see) myself talk.

tl;dr

I'm fat because of choices I made

I don't want to die

I HATE WELCOME POSTS

But they are kind of useful no?  You don't know anything about me.  So why are you here?  Oh wait, this is my blog not yours.  I know why you're here.  I shamelessly plugged this blog and emailed all my friends.  That's why you're here.

I'm here because I'm fat.  What?  I know, I know some folks think us fat people don't know.  That's why they tell us.  All the time.

I'm here because I've struggled all my life with being fat.  Oh yeah, I'm not PC so if you're thinking that I need to say overweight, weight challenged, etc.  You're in the wrong place.  I'm fat.  I know it.  I've lost around 100 to 150 lbs over the course of my life.

I'm an expert at losing weight.  Keeping it off is another story altogether.

I've come to the conclusion that bariatric surgery is my last resort.  That's what this is about.  It's about my journey up to today and whatever the future holds for me.

If you choose to come along for the ride, welcome.  If not, thanks for taking a look.

tl;dr

I'm fat

I'm preparing for bariatric surgery